I’m about to get out of the hospital again after my 7th surgery in the past 15 years for something Crohns related. I’ve have several small bowel resections, half my colon removed, gallbladder removed, appendix removed, and the biggest of all, just a few years ago, I had an ostomy for a small period in my life, but luckily had it reversed. I’m well aware this will not be my last stay in a hospital for something Crohns or Pancreatitis related, but I seriously hope to avoid any more slice and dice. I honestly cannot physically go thru any more surgeries. I just don’t have much left for them to remove.
This hospital stay was quite different than the past. It was one of the most difficult as wel as one of the most helpful. I had a team of doctors helping me, and from it I’m getting a new GI (again) but he is pretty amazing. Reminds me of a slightly older version of my first GI who I considered a miracle worker. My first GI literally saved my life. I was misdiagnosed in the beginning and was treated for Cancer. The treatments ended up hurting me greatly, and even to this day the damage remains and is the reason I don’t get to live much longer. I am beginning new meds (again) that show promise and will be entering new drug trials for meds that are still experimental. I’m totally cool with that. Which is also why I chose years ago to donate my body to science and research for Crohns Disease studies after my death. If my dead body can somehow prevent at least one person in the future from going through anything I’ve been through, then rock on. Chop up my body and help them. I’m well aware I live in a time where a cure is highly unlikely, and the pharmaceutical companies control a great deal of that area, but logically, there is a cure or method out there to help Crohnies live. We’ve just yet to stumble upon it.
Going through this stuff over and over isn’t easy, and for a long time I did it alone, but now I am actually doing all of this for someone other than myself. My wife has been amazing from day one. She has been my rock, my voice of reason, a total bitch when needed, and a saint when needed. I didn’t know that love could ever be so strong. Not just love for me, but the fact that now I actually can care about someone else more than I care for me. Cause honestly, in the past, I’m #1. My past relationships have been hard due to my medical problems. Mostly because the girls were overwhelmed and immature for most of it. Which I totally understand and hold no hard feelings. (and luckily because of the meds I think, I barely remember their voices or faces) but Mandy is something else. Talk about an ideal woman to have in your life, yo. I sometimes cannot believe she’s my wife. This woman loves me and gives me a reason to wake up. Gives me a reason to smile. But above it all, she showed me purpose to life and that I don’t have to fight this by myself. It’s still hard to accept the help sometimes and to admit vulnerability, but in the end, I just want her to be happy and if that means I gotta go through some harsh treatments for a chance to even spend one more second in her presence, then so be it.
Time is simply a concept. The duration is only what we perceive. A lifetime of pain is worth a nanosecond of love in the end. If you can comprehend that at all, you will die happy.